I have this issue where I can’t ever seem to grasp a life changing event or loss as its occurring. It must be a defense mechanism that my mind utilizes when something is going to really fuck me up.
It isn’t until well after the dust settles that reality begins to creep up on me. By then, everyone else has moved on/forward and I’ve missed the window for action/reaction.
So now, like every other time, I’m trying to burrow through the cement surrounding my senses to feel something. I should be able to feel something. However, I’m numb.
It stands to reason that this is the cause of many of the snowball effects that have shaped this life that I’m ghosting through.
That being said, I went through old voicemails to find the ones I’ve saved from my mother.
I found some, but I also listened to ones that I still have saved for the same purpose. The sound of their voice.
I think my soul was bound and gagged a few years ago when my broken mind failed to take action, when immediate action was required.
fast forward to the future… I’m broken.